Honey, I ain't nothin new.

Sorry I haven't been writing.  Between work each day, spending some time with the people I love and my daily workouts, I haven’t had much downtime, and what time I do have I spend on my futon in my sweatpants watching nonsense television; it’s relaxing.  But life is good.  Caleb visited me a few weeks ago and it was wonderful to do nothing—we planned to hit the beach but decided instead to relax by the pool and go out to dinner, enjoy wine on the porch and sleep in.  It was a great decision, and we really bonded, though he was only down for a few days.  I’ve also been working a lot—the woman I nanny for has told me I’m free to take the kids out in my car, so I’ve been zooming them around to parks and ice-cream parlors, plus they’re finally old enough to come swim at my house, so we’ve been spending our time having splash fights in the pool, so that’s been a lot of fun.  At Allebach my coworkers are finally including me—they’ve liked me from the start, but they never relied on me, probably because I’m new to most of them.  But now that we’re all “comfy” together, I’ve been getting a lot of assignments, and everyone is rushing to me and depending on me.  It’s a great feeling!  I’ve been busy but I love it; I just wish I could stick around long enough to see that hard work pay off in the form of a promotion or a bonus, but that’s not likely since I leave for school in another month.

Other than that, not a whole lot going on.  I've been applying to graduate schools and have "narrowed" my list down from twenty to only eleven.  I don't know if I'll narrow it down any more than that, since there are so many factors contributing to my choice (if I can snag a fellowship, how much money they may give me, where in the country I would be, whether I get accepted for poetry or non-fiction, which school Caleb chooses, etc.).  I’m also looking forward to August—Starman and I have our annual Girls’ Weekend during the first week, and we’ll be spending it in Ocean City, Maryland, tanning all day and relaxing all night.  It’ll be a great time.  I want to eat crabs and go to a fancy bar—maybe Seacrets.  You can drink with your toes in the sand, or on a float in the bay!  Haha.  I’m also visiting Caleb in August for his annual birthday party, then we’re heading up to New Hampshire to spend a few days on the lake and celebrate my mom’s birthday.  It’s all very exciting.  I love summer vacations...

In any case, I hope everyone is doing well.  How’s the summer heat treating you?  Burnnnn, baby, burn!

I’m moving back to France.  Not now, but within four years.  I am going to live in Aix-en-Provence for at least a year before settling down somewhere in the US and having kids.  The idea both excites and terrifies me, but I’m firm on this.  After graduate school, I’m putting my stuff in storage and doing it.  Nothing will change my mind.  And I’m already on my way—I’ve decided to book an $823 round-trip ticket from Philadelphia to Marseille for March 6-13th, my spring break, and nothing will stop me.  I want to book by September, once I’ve saved my summer earnings.  This is the time to do it.  Maybe I’ll even be trendy like all the celebrities and live over there for good, maybe name my kids ‘Elle’ or ‘Jolie.’ Who knows, but this is exciting.  Life in the United States feels too new and boring.  I want to spend my weekends in Italy or Spain, see the world, not just a gas station next to a Chinese restaurant next to a bank.  I need out, and I need France.

I’m back.  It dawned on me the other day that I don’t write in here nearly as often as I used to.  I think I’m finally growing up and out of Live Journal.  Who knew that day would ever come?  Part of me wants to keep it going, though, as a way of remembering the past.  I’ve had this journal since tenth grade, I believe, since Mike Alles told me to get one and I liked him and wanted to impress him.  Now I don’t know Mike anymore, or anyone I used to know from that time period, really, but I still enjoy this Live Journal.  It’s a way of thinking my days out and then later reviewing them, if I want.  I may not write as often anymore, but I do still want to write in it, so here I am.

Life lately has been a lot of fun, but a lot of busy fun.  In addition to working four long days a week, I’ve been spending a lot more time with all my friends from around here.  Chiefly Kevin, Kenny, Kellen (what’s with me and the ‘K’ and ‘A’s?), Alyssa and Brian. We’ve had a good summer so far, a lot of late nights and a lot of beer but good times.  I had a scary experience last night, which may be the reason I’m writing—to think it over and get it out.  A few of us were hanging out at my house at about 1am, and Kevin needed a ride home.  I had had a few drinks that night but nothing that had amounted, so I drove him home.  Halfway there, however, we got stopped at a mandatory DUI checkpoint.  When the police officer leaned in my car with his flashlight and asked me if I had had anything to drink, I immediately thought to myself, Tell him the truth.  So I did, not knowing the repercussions.  I told him I had had a gin and tonic, so he gave me a breathalizer test.  I passed, of course, but it was still one of the scariest experiences of my life.  He looked at the tester for a minute after I blew into it and then smiled and said I was free to go.  I’ve talked this over with several people since, and everyone said that it was a very smart decision to be honest and say that I was drinking.  Otherwise, apparently, they will test you anyway and if it comes out that you’ve had a few drinks they could haul you into jail for the night for lying to them.  I’m glad I said what I said, and I’m obviously glad they let me go (I wasn’t drunk, but still, I feel grateful to them) but it was a scary experience.

What else.  I miss Caleb a lot.  Right now is the hurdle of summer—we’ve gone two weeks so far without seeing one another and we still have another two weeks to go.  It’s a pain in the butt, and a drag, but after this hurdle we see each other more-or-less every two weeks, so that will be nice.  I really miss him, and all of the simple things we do together: cooking, cuddling, lying on the couch watching television.  I miss that boy.

Not much else to report.  I’m going up to New Hampshire on Thursday with Alyssa and Kevin and maybe Brian.  I’m bummed that Kellen and Kenny couldn’t make it due to prior obligations, but I still think it’s going to be a lot of fun to have the guys and Alyssa up there.  I’m really looking forward to it, and the road trip will be a lot of fun, too.  Plus Kevin and I have gotten a lot closer this summer, so it will be fun to spend some more time with him.  I can’t wait to take them to the tasty ice-cream place, and to the New Hampshire state liquor store…mmm.  So many options.

Anyway that’s all for now.  I hope everyone’s doing well.  Maybe I’ll write more later.  Have a good Sunday everyone!

I don’t want to jinx anything, but everything is going perfect:

• The lady I work under never gives me big assignments, she always gives me the minor things, but she’s driving up to Boston tonight for a wedding and wanted to get out of the office by 5pm today, so she was rushing to finish all of her tasks.  Well, at about 3pm my boss came over and gave her another big assignment that he wanted by the end of the day.  She looked really stressed, so I turned around and told them I could handle it—I was almost done my existing assignment (which was super easy but super boring) and was up to the challenge, but I wanted to help her out because I want to make our bond closer (I still feel like she hasn’t made up her mind about me yet).  They both agreed, but she was reluctant—could I handle this?  Well, I did, and I did it wonderfully.  Not only did I really impress my boss (which looks good, obviously, and helps my reputation around the office) but I really impressed her, and she was really grateful.  Plus it made me feel good because I got a real assignment for once, so that rocked.
• I saw my arthritis doctor yesterday and told him I’m interested in decreasing my medicine—it’s been casually linked to a greater risk of lymphoma, particularly in patients who have the type of arthritis I do—and I don’t like being dependent on medicines when I’m not positive I need him (my leg was in remission for over twelve years, and it could very well have gone back into remission over the past two years that I’ve been on this medicine).  So I spoke with him, and although he said he’s never tried it with a patient, he agreed to let me “experiment.”  Instead of one 50mg. shot every week, I’m going to be taking it every other week from now on.  This includes more involvement from me—I agreed to get my blood taken and tested in July to determine whether or not my white blood cell count is healthy, and I have to go back again in August instead of the usual 6-month January/June schedule—but I don’t care.  I’m really excited at the possibility of decreasing the amount of medicine I take—or eliminating it altogether.
• My body is fit, fit, fit.  Everything is tight, toned and tan.  I love the summer because I always feel my best, but this summer so far is shaping up (literally) to be a good one.  Working out and weight-lifting has given me a newfound confidence and sense of purpose, and I really have gotten into watching my body transform.  Normally I work out three or four times a week, but I’ve put in a solid forty-five minutes to an hour and fifteen minutes every day for the past four days, and I’m going again tomorrow for a Pilates class (my first, I’m a bit nervous to try group exercises but it’s worth a shot) and some weight-lifting before we leave for…
• BOSTON!  I am driving up tomorrow at noon with my parents (who are New Hampshire bound) to spend the weekend in Wellesley with my favorite boy.  So far, plans include going out for Japanese on Friday night (and maybe seeing The Happening), packing a picnic and reading in Boston Commons on Saturday morning, shopping on Newbury St. on Saturday afternoon and grabbing some delicious Mexican at my favorite restaurant, the Border Café, in Harvard Square on Saturday night.  Then it’s back home on Sunday for another week of work, but that’s okay because I'm making…
• MONEY.  It’s finally coming in.  Finally.  Which is awesome because I need it for…
• MARYLAND!  Alyssa and I booked our annual Girls’ Trip in OCMD and this year we’ll be staying at the Islander Motel from August 4-August 6^th.  I’m so excited.
• I’m eating less meat!  My meat-binge has finally ended (I think Wings Night, when I ate over 20 wings, was what did me in) and I’m back to eating like a vegetarian.  I still eat meat, but it’s leaner: fish, chicken and turkey.  For the past two nights I’ve eaten vegetarian and tonight I ate a turkey burger and I swear, it’s so much tastier than a regular burger.
• I’m finally curing my bad habit of biting my nails.  After trying once, twice, three times, I’m convinced the forth time’s a charm.  I bought ControlIT! anti-nailbiting cream and it should come by early next week.  Apparently this cream will do it—it stays on your hands despite how many times you watch them and tastes absolutely terrible—allegedly far worse than BiteFree nail polish and the other things I’ve tried.  I even purchased the extra-strength version.  With only three months left until Wesley’s wedding (and the ensuing photos, surely of my hands), I mean business.
• I’ve even been hanging out a lot more.  It’s funny, but the more I do (IE: work from 8am-5pm, working out from 5pm-6:30pm, dinner, laps in the pool, hanging out with friends until 11pm), the more energy I have.  It’s been a lot of fun catching up with all my favorite hometown friends and it hasn’t worn me down like I thought it would.

Anyway, yeah, don’t want to jinx it.  But, needless to say, life is good.

Good morning everyone!  It’s a beautiful, hot, sunny Sunday and day three of the first seasonal heatwave here in Pennsylvania.  I couldn’t be more excited—I’ve been working hard and working out hard the past week and a half, and a nice, hot day out by the pool while scoring a tan is just what I need.  I’m really glad it fell on a weekend.  Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon in my bikini out by the pool, reading and switching from tanning in a lounge chair to tanning on a pool float.  Today I plan to do the same.  Alyssa and I thought we could sneak away to the beach for a day, but when we calculated the cost of gas, beach tags and the inevitable food consumption (let’s be honest, I can’t say no to Mack and Manco’s pizza, or funnel cake, and I normally like to bring home some Johnson’s caramel popcorn and Steel’s fudge and Shriver's saltwater taffy—boy am I lame to even know the maker names).  And that's all another $20, easily, if not more.  So in the end we decided to stay here, and that’s okay with me, as long as we go sometime soon.  I’m eager to get the sun and sand both pressing on my legs.

What else?  Work is going well, but I’m ready for my first paycheck.  My first babysitting paycheck has only gone to summer set-ups: gas money, flowers for Caleb (to surprise him on his first day of work), outings for beer and wings, a plane ticket to Providence, Rhode Island to visit Caleb (why doesn’t Southwest fly into Boston yet?).  The next paycheck will go to booking my hotel in Ocean City, Maryland with Alyssa, but then I should be set-up.  I’m ready for it to start coming in.

I also hurt my knee somehow in the past few days.  Everyone knows I have arthritis in both legs, and I’m on medicine to suppress it, but something further has been going on.  Thankfully, I have an appointment with my arthritis doctor on Wednesday (what timing), so I’ve decided to take a break on working out until then.  Kind of a bummer since I’ve gotten to a nice five-day routine and my body is looking good, but I think by eating healthy and keeping fit in other ways I can sustain it.  So, we’ll see.  Here’s to hoping I don’t need surgery and there’s no long-term damage from two summers ago, when it first popped its ugly face back up...

I also realized the other day, driving home, that as much as I can keep a straight face, I’m still working through a lot of things.  Scarlet’s passing, mostly; how I can’t seem to let her go.  I see her everywhere still.  And I miss her.  I finished reading Marley & Me yesterday, and I think the author’s wife, Jenny, described it perfectly.  It’s not just missing something, she said; the loss of a pet is something you feel, physically, in your stomach.  She described it as an ache, and I agree that that’s what it is.  I’m okay, but if I think of her—and here at home, with her pictures still up (we can’t bring ourselves to take them out of their frames) and all of the beautiful memories around me, that’s not hard to do. So I’m still working through a lot—in my body and in my mind—but I think I’m turning a corner.  I hope so.

Today is my first day off in over a week and a half.  It feels good.  And tonight I'm going out to the bar with some friends for a tasty Blue Moon and some all-you-can-eat Buffalo wings.  Yum.

I'm really disappointed about the outcome of the Democratic primaries.  Barack is just fine, but I really liked and trusted Hillary.  I do think he is forced to take a joint-ticket with her, however, if only to unite the Democratic party, so I'm not too bummed.  But I am disappointed.

The new Alanis Morissette CD has leaked online and it's awesome.  I am a big fan.  It's officially released (legally) in seven days, so that's cool, too.   I wish I could see her on tour again--what a great  gift that was (thanks Caleb) last December.  :o)

Work is going okay.  Yesterday was my first bad day at Allebach--they had me doing stuff I used to do for them (things they just need done).  I spent three hours pasting inserts into brochures with rubber cement.  Yuck.  

I'm going up to Boston next Friday to see Caleb and I'm excited about it.  I'm also shopping for shoes to go with my bridesmaid dress for Wes' wedding, and on Saturday I'm going out to help my mom find a nice Mother of the Groom dress.  She found one today she loved but it's $820, and that's just absurd.

By the way, the Butcher & Baker Blog is coming along nicely.  Caleb has even begun to post (and, in actuality, he'll probably post a lot more than me this summer since he cooks dinner for his family each night).

How is everyone else doing? 

So this weekend I came back to Gettysburg to work their Alumni Weekend, like I do every year.  It’s a big deal—usually a thousand or more alumni come back to the college for class socials, pictures, dinners, meetings, the works.  The school hires fifteen to twenty students to staff the event, and while we work twenty-four seven more or less (today I was scheduled to work 17.5 hours), they pay us ridiculously well ($.50 for every mile you drive to get here, for example, plus about $250 for three days).  Anyway, today is the big day—all the big events happen.  As I said, I was supposed to work from sunup to sundown (and well beyond that), but guess what?  Jeez, my luck is so bad…

I have pink eye.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  Dammit Amy, you always have pink eye.  This is true.  This is my third encounter with pink eye in under a year and a half.  Do you believe that?  Every five months, I swear, like clockwork.

Anyway, the entire campus had pink eye during the last month of school, but Caleb and I were both really lucky not to get it.  I was very diligent—washed my hands, wiped down my computer and door knobs with antibacterial wipes, the works.  Unfortunately, however, I completely forgot (or just assumed the school cleaners actually cleaned), and upon moving into my weekend housing (which is in a very popular place for students), contacted pink eye.

Jesus.  Christ.

My eyes have been runny and oozy for the past two mornings—I would wake up and remove larger-than-average eye crusties (I know, I know, gross)—but then this morning Caleb noticed my right eye was entirely pink and oozy. 

So, yeah.  And, by the way, do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a prescription on a Saturday afternoon?  I called the campus health service (closed), the security department (said it wasn’t feasible to take me to the hospital for pink eye), a Gettysburg family doctor (closed) and a number of other places before finally remembering that my doctor at home does on-call.  So I called her, she faxed in a prescription (she’s a saint and told me we’d “forget” the mandatory appointment necessary for prescriptions) and I just picked it up at a Gettysburg pharmacy.

Sucks for me, though, because there goes all my money—I, understandably, can’t work with the alumni until it clears up a bit and I’m not contagious.  And, to make matters worse, I always pack my glasses with me when I go on a trip just incase, but guess what I forgot this time and this time only?  Yeah.
 
So here I am in Gettysburg.  I have my contacts out and eye drops in.  I can’t see anything, don’t have anything to entertain myself with (since I can’t even read without my glasses), and I’m not making money.

What a way to start off the summer.  What luck I have.

Lately I am obsessed with food blogs. Ever since viewing my first (and still favorite) one, Bread & Honey, I’ve spent hours pouring over each and every foodblog I can find. My favorites so far are [the aforementioned] Bread & Honey, Smitten Kitchen, Pioneer Woman and Aaplemint. If you get a chance, you should check them out; they’ll introduce to you a whole new world of cooking and baking. Yum…I love food, especially sweet treats!

I feel good.  After months of working out and weight-lifting, I’ve finally gotten back to my pre-France body.  It’s not that I was ever fat---I'm too active and vain and bored to ever let it get to that---but before going to France I was toned and fit from working out three, four or five times a week.  I spent at least a third of last summer at the gym, it felt like, and I had the body to prove it.  Some of the photos from the first month in France are the best photos I’ve ever had taken of me.  But in France, where a gym membership was expensive and life was so expensive anyway, my body started to fall apart—not really, but I lost my muscle definition and gained a little weight.  Plus, I started to eat meat again, which although has made me feel much stronger has also caused me to put on a few pounds.  When I got home from France, I vowed that I would work out hard and get back into shape, and finally, after about five months (with a huge emphasis on weight-lifting in the past month and a half), I’ve obtained it.  It sounds a little vain, but it feels really good to feel so strong—physically, mentally, spiritually.  Caleb has made me so calm and happy all of the time anyway, and I’ve finally made peace that I don’t know if I believe in God (and that’s okay), but it's a cake-topper that my body is at its peak.  I just feel good, and it feels incredible to feel that way. Confidence is everything.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so proud to wear a sleeve shirt—my muscles are small but defined and my body looks good for a twenty-one year old college student who drinks.  I've gotten to a weight I'm comfortable with and I've learned what to eat and how much to eat.  So, yeah, I’m happy.  :)  Now I need to hold off having kids for a while so I can enjoy this!

I also had a great Memorial Day.  Brian and I drove down to the University of Delaware to spend the day (and night) with Starman at her apartment.  We had a huge outdoor barbecue and played beer pong in the front yard all afternoon, then stayed up late talking before a hot slice of pizza as a nightcap.  It was a lot of fun.

How was your Memorial Day?

I want Caleb back.  As much as I love the summer—that is, finally making money, lounging by the pool with a drink, the scent of freshly cut grass, the freedom to do anything I want on my off days—I hate it because it’s just annoying to have to go weeks at a time without Caleb.  At school we’re practically connected to one another—we sleep in the same bed, we eat at least lunch and dinner together (sometimes even breakfast) and we’re each other’s best friends, we’re who we hang out with the most.  So to go from that to not seeing one another for sometimes an entire month at a time?  Not cool.  I miss him.

 

Luckily, I’ll see him in a couple of days when we’ll be working at Gettysburg’s Alumni Weekend, but after that it’s another long stint.  :(  Not cool, life, not cool.

 

Hi all!  Not much to say but I feel as though I’ve been neglecting this journal; I’ve been posting quite a bit on Butcher & Baker (check it out, there are four new entries) and otherwise getting my life here in Telford in order.

 

Luckily, things have calmed down some now, and the good news is that there’s no more “new” stress.  I always get nervous when it comes to starting a new job, or even picking back up an old one, but yesterday I began nannying again and this morning I started my new job (well, technically an old job, but they have a new office, lots of new employees and it’s been about 5 years since I last worked for them).  Either way, all of the “new” stress is over and done with.  And in an hour, I’m going with my mom and little brother to sign up for a membership at a new gym (YMCA).  My little brother has a lot of friends who work out there, and while I prefer Genesis because it’s smaller and less popular and therefore less crowded (I don’t want to bump into my entire high school class, nor do I want to bump into every boy I ever dated), my mom agreed to buy a family plan, so it would be free for me.  And who doesn’t want to get a great body and save $150?  So I gave in, and tonight I’ll complete my first work-out there, and all of the newness won’t be so new anymore.

 

Not much else going on.  I have some serious allergies, and I didn’t even know I was allergic.  I came back from Gettysburg on Sunday afternoon (and braved a tremendously dark sky to drive home) and within eight hours my nose, head and throat were stuffed up with pollen.  The pollen levels here are terrible, and I’ve spent the last forty-eight hours blowing my nose, sneezing and suffering from insomnia driven by my lack of air.  Tomorrow my mom and I are going shopping together and to a delicious (and fancy!) restaurant called ‘Melt.’  I also have a four day weekend and my parents will be in New Hampshire, so I’m thinking of throwing a small party, though I only know four or five people who are home.  I also am thinking about driving to Delaware to spend Memorial Day with Starman, who’s throwing a barbecue.  And that’s about it.

 

If you’re in town and bored, too, give me a call and we can meet up.  Telford gets more boring every time I come home, with fewer and fewer people…

Caleb and I have a new blog!  It's called "The Butcher & Baker Blog" and we'll be sharing it, posting pictures and recipes and stories about the food we've made and will continue to make.  We'll be writing entries both together and seperate, so sometimes you'll read from him, sometimes from me, and sometimes from the both of us.  We went over to Blogspot since it looks a little cleaner and crisper.  Here's the link: http://butcherandbaker.blogspot.com/.  Enjoy!

I came home for the weekend and had a good time.  I thought it might be weird to come home to a house without Scarlet--and it was--but I had a good time, regardless.  It's been tough--home feels less and less like home each time I come back: fewer close friends, my brothers have grown up quite substantially, houses are going up where there once were empty fields.  Now Scarlet isn't a part of my home life anymore, and it's bothersome.  Still, one thing remains the same: home is still my home.  And it still feels like it, despite all these changes.  I enjoyed sitting on the porch with my family, sipping wine and talking about everything from William's SAT scores to Wesley's upcoming wedding.  And the future two dogs we will be getting in a few months.  And so I felt alright, in the end.

I celebrated Mother's Day by surprising my own with two books she's wanted.  I also helped my dad cook my mom an elegant (and tasty, if I do say so myself) brunch.  We had scrambled eggs and puffy biscuits and jam and bacon and orange juice and coffee.  It was tasty.  Afterwards, I packed up the car and drove back to Gettysburg.  I'll be here until next Sunday night, hanging out with all my senior friends (aka, almost all of my friends here on campus).  We're going to stay up late and party at night and go hiking and on day trips during the day.  I'm going to miss them tremendously next year, so it's only fitting that I blow off the first week that I could work to spend time with them.  They graduate on Sunday, which I'll attend, and then I head home and the real summer begins; I start work the next morning, Monday.  Oh well.  At least Starman will be home for the summer, like old times, and I have Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays off.  Sounds like a lot of beach days.  :)

That's all for now.  Caleb, Lindsay, Lamin, Shawn and I are going to go over to the Appalachian Brewing Company for beers and wings.  Hope everyone else is having a pleasant summer thus far!

There is a litter of puppies that will be born in July from a breeder my parents like.  My family and I are going to go and pick one out, and that little girl will be ready to take home with us in September.  In the meantime, here are my future puppy's parents:

This may sound dumb, but I think Scarlet would have wanted this.  Plus the male dog (up above) really looks like Scarlet with the coloring on his head, and this puppy will have a coat like Scarlet's--a little rough, mostly soft.  It will be nice.

Between Scarlet’s death (and she keeps reappearing—alive—in my dreams), getting screwed over for the “top” position on The Mercury staff next year, looking into graduate schools (which have $90 application fees, want proof that you can pay $35,000/year and are all over the fucking country, including Houston, Arizona and Iowa), nightly play practices at 10pm-12am and realizing I will be spending the summer at home with no Scarlet, no Caleb and probably no Starman….

 

I just want to break.

The future just looks so bleak.

Last night I had a dream that involved a former friend—a friend I haven’t spoken with, really, since high school.  I used to enjoy talking to him; he was a year older and for a long time a mentor of sorts—he enjoyed writing (a rarity at such an age) and we’d often talk about teachers we both had.  Nonetheless, when I IMed him this afternoon in an attempt to rehash a friendship (I am coming home for the summer without a best friend or dog there waiting), he said what I dreaded he would say.  “We don’t know one another anymore, Amy.”  And in that moment everything made sense; I got it all. 

 

 

Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing, so I’ll put it like this.  I have never been more miserable and utterly sad in my entire life.  Even when I lost my grandma, I don’t think I mourned so terribly and felt so heartbroken.  And that is not to say that I loved my dog, Scarlet, any more than my grandmother, but the love I had for that dog (and still have, and will always have) was different in so many ways.  Scarlet was my life, my best friend.  I cherished that dog more than anything, and her sudden turn of health was one of the primary reasons I wanted to spend the summer at home—one last summer with Scarlet.  Unfortunately, I won’t get that chance.

 

Her health has been declining since November, when my parents came to visit me in France.  I can’t help but feel guilty—was she confused?  Did she lose it because no one was around (except my grandparents)?  I just feel so heartbroken.  She’s been on medicine to stabilize her for the past two months, but Wednesday night she had a seizure for thirty seconds and the next morning she wasn’t the same, apparently.  My parents said they had to carry her outside and after she went the bathroom she just collapsed in her own pee.  It kills me.  They had to take her to the vet and have her put down, around 10:45am on Thursday.  The thought of her lying on a cold, metal veterinary table and, for the last image, seeing a needle poke into her—what?  Belly?  Leg?  Shoulder—kills me.  I want to die with guilt and sadness and misery.

 

I spent a long time talking to my mother about everything.  She said it best when she said that Scarlet was part of our immediate family; she was someone we spent every day with.  She was like the youngest child, my mom said, almost like my little sister.  And it sounds absurd to anyone who doesn’t have a dog, but it’s true, it’s a fact everyone with a dog that they love will agree with.  It’s so bizarre, but that dog was part of “the kids.”  My dad came up for his fraternity’s 50^th anniversary, so my mom was home alone all weekend.  We spent a great time discussing Scarlet, what will happen in the future, when we’ll begin to look for a new dog.  It’s terrible.  It doesn’t feel real.  I’m doing better now, just slightly, because I’ve learned to push the thoughts out of my head.  But for the past four days it’s been terrible—every hour I’d cry, sob, and just whimper.   I’ve never felt grief like this before.  At first I was so confused—what should I do with her pictures around my room?  The pictures in my phone, in my IPod, on my desktop?  What should I do with her Dogbook application on Facebook?  I felt so sick, so twisted in my stomach.  I felt angry, too, because it’s not fair that dogs only live for a fifth of the time that humans do.  It’s not fair, and I felt so angry at the possibility of a God because if there was one, He wouldn’t do this.  He wouldn’t do this to me.

 

I don’t know what more to say, really.  I’m trying to be strong.  Yesterday I only cried once.  I’ve decided to keep all of her pictures up, to keep her Dogbook application.  I’m too weak now.  And I know that when I get home in three weeks it will shatter my heart to see she’s not there.  It’s easier for me now, think, because she’s not supposed to be here; she’s never seen  Gettysburg.  But when I get home and she doesn’t come running, she doesn’t curl up beside my on the futon, she doesn’t scratch at my door or at my leg as I eat dinner—I will break.

 

Until then, I’m just trying.  I’ve done my best to maintain my normal schedule, and I plan to write a piece about her soon, once I’ve distanced myself some from this reality.  Either a work of non-fiction about her importance or just a bulleted list of all the things I loved about her.  I don’t ever want to forget her.  Never.

 

Rest in peace, Russell.  I love you so much.

I lost my dog this morning.

Hey everyone!  Just a quick note from me today—it’s Peace Weekend here at Gettysburg this weekend so there’s an all-day concert starting at 1:30pm (in fifteen minutes and I’m not even showered yet!) with free tie-dye shirts, rootbeer and ice-cream cones, so I’m headed out to the Quad to throw down a blanket, listen to the live music (bands from campus), work on some notes for school and eat tasty food in the sunshine.  Yum.  But I thought I’d say hello and catch up quick since I feel like I’ve been neglecting this.

 

I feel like I say this every time I write but, well, life’s been busy.  For my Medieval Drama class we’re putting on a play (eh, soooo not me but it’s mandatory) and they made me a cheerleader know-it-all, kind of like a cross between Reese Witherspoon’s character in Election and her character, Elle, from Legally Blonde.  Basically I’m really peppy (and a cheerleader) but also a straight A, annoying enthusiastic student.  I have to say, they cast me well.  I enjoy my part in the play, and at one point I even do a cheer, “They call me Industry, and being busy’s like the best!  Bring on the homework, it’s way better than sex!”  Pretty cool.  Then I jump on top of two classmates and they hoist me up into the air like a real cheerleader.  We’re even working on the possibility of tossing me into the air (like real cheerleaders) and catching me, so we’ll see.  They say I’m flexible and light so it’s a possibility, as long as I’m game, and I think I am (keyword: think).  It’s funny, but I’ve actually started to enjoy it—I think if I could do high school all over again I might have tried being a cheerleader in addition to everything else I did.  The girl who is teaching me all the moves is the Gettysburg cheerleading captain and she’s so funny, bright and sarcastic—not at all like a stereotypical cheerleader, though she is pretty.  She told me she joined the team just because she has a lot of energy and likes working out, but in actuality she was promoted to team captain and kind of disproves the stereotype.  I don’t know.  It would have been cool, I think, and Lord knows I have enough pep and energy.  Plus the outfits are hot, let’s face it.  Oh well.  Either way, the play and pretending to be a cheerleader has been enjoyable.

 

What else, what else?  It doesn’t look as though I’ll be obtaining an internship this summer unfortunately, so I’m almost positive that I’ll be returning home to Telford.  School lets out on the 10^th but I want to catch graduation (on May 18^th) this year since thirteen of my sixteen best friends are graduating, so I can’t decide if I’ll go home between or just stay on campus with Caleb.  Either way I’ll be home for good on the 20^th and I’m going to babysit for the McQuades on Mondays and Fridays.  Jess McQuade is also working on getting me an internship at Allebach Advertising, the company I worked for briefly when I was in high school, so that would be neat.  I think I’d job-shadow a copywriter.  Plus Jeff Cassel, this cool guy I know through my ex-boyfriend’s little brother’s band, works there now and he’d be a lot of fun to work with.  So, we’ll see.  I will definitely need a second job if I’m only watching the McQuades twice a week, so I need to find something.  I’m a little worried about being home—it never works for me, I just get reminiscent and lonely and bored—but I am looking forward to being around Scarlet and Starman for one more summer, so that’s a plus.  And I’ll save a lot of money on room and board, so.

 

I don’t know what else to say.  I got into all of the classes I need for next year and got into a banging apartment, so next year sounds pretty good.  I have an internship lined up for the spring which will a) look good and b) keep me busy while Caleb’s gone, and I’m also looking into participating in new things—maybe volunteer for the SPCA?  It should be a good year next year, though busy, but I do want to do something important with my time.

 

I hope all of you guys are having a great weekend.  I have to head out now to catch the concert and eat a picnic lunch on a blanket (I’ve packed little Laughing Cow cheeses, slices of spicy pepperoni, a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with spring mix, water, iced coffee, a few Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips and a quarter bar of dark chocolate with dried raspberries).  How are you spending your sunny, warm Saturday afternoon?

 

Oh, it’s been a while. Sorry about that.  I mean to write in here—it’s as much a source of relaxation for me as it is for you—but things have really been busy lately and I haven’t had any time.  With only three weeks of classes (and two weeks of finals and partying) left, things have kicked up a notch.  The good news is that things are going well.  I’ve arranged my schedule for next year and I only have to take five “official” courses instead of eight since my 25-page honors thesis counts as one, as does my writing portfolio (I have to write/assemble  a book of my writing) and my Gettysburg Review internship.  That’s neat.  Also, my good friends Leah and Kelly and I got a great apartment in the Eagles complex, a nice building with five apartments near town.  The apartment has four singles, a spacious bathroom, a living room and a kitchen.  Thanks to those things, I’m really looking forward to next year.  I think living with Kelly and Leah will be really nice; for once, I’ll be with people who value the same things as I do (cleanliness, availability and, of course, trashy television like Talk Sex with Sue and Flava of Love).  I love my previous roommates but I think this will be an ideal situation for next year.  I envision our apartment chicly decorated with throw rugs, paintings, martini glasses and lots and lots of baked goods.  I also want to take some time to make my room look nice like theirs always do—they are sorority girls and their rooms always look adorable.  My room, on the other hand, is still largely influenced by my tomboy past.  I think I’ll get some advice from them when I decorate.  I’ll also be able to have my futon and television in my room, making for private movie nights with Caleb again (it’s been a drag not having that kind of privacy this semester) and I’m even thinking about buying a small café table so Caleb and I can eat our dinners in my room (and therefore not gross everyone out with our weekly romantic dinner dates).  It will also remind me of France when I sip tea and eat cookies and read my book.  I think it’s a nice idea.

 

Things have also been busy because last weekend, Caleb and I took a five-day vacation to Puerto Rico with his mom, who was the recipient of a free business trip.  It was gorgeous—teal water, white sand, green trees—and we rented a Jeep to drive around the island in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We spent most days on the beach, relaxing, and consequently I got burned worse than I think I ever have.  My entire body was red and I was hit especially hard in areas where my bikini just ended—like my thighs, below my navel and in my cleavage.  For about four days I couldn’t bend over to touch my toes or take off my bra without searing pain.  I put aloe on it four or five times a day but in the end it peeled anyway which was…well…as you can imagine, it was disgusting.  I don’t know why I am telling you all this, so, moving on.

 

 

I’m also stressed out because after applying for twenty-one internships in New York City, Maryland, New Hampshire, Lansdale and Boston, I’ve been rejected from three and haven’t heard from the others.  Most places have made their minds up by now, I would think, so I guess that means no internship.  This makes me feel like total crap, because if I can’t even secure an unpaid summer internship in this field, how the hell am I going to make a living off it?  Just another reason to go straight into graduate school, I guess, but I just hope in the end this all pays off.  They tell you to go with your heart, follow your passions, and I’ve won countless awards for my writing—over half a dozen—so why is it that I can’t secure something?  It makes me feel shitty, but I guess I’m going to give it another week and then contact Mrs. McQuade to secure another summer spent nannying.  And hey, another summer at home will be nice.  Being around Starman, tanning by the pool and watching the McQuades will certainly be nice, but I can’t help but think that I should have been able to do better this summer.  Oh well.  At least the pay is good and I save on food and board.  I’ll probably try to write unpaid freelance for one of the local papers, too, at least do something for my resume.

 

Oh, and today Caleb and I drove down to D.C. for the annual Cherry Blossom festival.  It was supposed to be 70 degrees and sunny, but instead it was 50 with freezing winds and rain.  Awesome.  At least the photos turned out cute.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodnight guys!